Banana Coffee
by NotAnOunceOfLogic
Summary: In which Jack is shocked, the Doctor and Rory are drunk and Amy doesn't like Jail


Amy Pond had pictured her wedding night many times over the years. She'd thought of where they'd go, what'd they do, and even who her husband would be (when she was younger) but she had to admit, not one of those hundreds of scenarios had ever included a jail cell.

"Oi! You can't lock me in here! Do you know who I am?" The Doctor yelled drunkenly.  
And definitely none of them had included a drunken Doctor.

"False imprisonment! I'm not drunk!" Rory agreed just as out of it as the Doctor.

Not that any of the cops would listen. In all honestly they weren't drunk, but somehow Amy didn't think the cops would go for "Excuse me officer, I know I sound buzzed but in all honesty we were accidentally exposed to spores from an annoyed alien that had an adverse effect on our cognitive skills in a manner that much resembles that of alcohol consumption."

Amy pressed a hand to her forehead to stave off some of the dizziness, she'd not gotten the full blast of pollen thankfully as Rory had idiotically jumped in front of her but she'd gotten enough to make her feel out of it, the boys however were roaring drunk looking as though they'd just come from a pub crawl.

Stuck in a cell with two people who were alien-pollen- drunk is bad, when one of them is the Doctor…  
Amy sighed and let her head thunk back onto the wall behind her as the boys –having given up on yelling at the cops – were now singing quite loudly and off key. She managed to ignore the songs until they started then 5th song, then she gave up. It was not worth sitting in a cell with them singing "Henry the VIII I am". She was going to call someone, anyone! The Doctor had a cell phone in his coat if she remembered right.

"That's it, we're calling someone." Amy said nailing the boys with a glare.

"Who? Don't know anyone to call!" Rory disputed, "Can't call Jeff, he's gone secret squirrel."

"I refuse to call Sarah Jane to rescue me from a drunk tank!" the Doctor said, his speech rather slurred, "Even if I'm not drunk and just suffering the after effects of alien spores."

"I know Jeff's gone secret squirrel." Amy agreed, "And even I don't want to face the laughter calling Sarah Jane would incur. You've got quite a few numbers in your phone though!"

Mind made up Amy went to the cell door and yelled out at the cops, "Oi! We get a phone call! I want the red cell phone my companion had with him!"

The cops grumbled and glared at being commanded but did obligingly hand over the Doctors cell phone; anything to get those two idiots out of their jail.

"Okay, Martha Jones?"

"Blew up her blender, she stitched you up. She'd laugh at me." the Doctor vetoed that name.

"Mickey Smith?"

"Blew up his blender. We broke into his house. He's an idiot."

"Sarah Jane Smith you already said no…" Amy scrolled through the phone, "Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart?" Amy read.

"No! I refuse to be marched out of here by him!"

"Picky." Amy scrolled down, "Liz Shaw?"

"His wife."

"Jo Grant?"

"Not in the country."

"Harry Sullivan?"

"No."

"Why do you have these people in your phone if you won't call them in an emergency?" Amy asked in exasperation, her headache was not doing any better with his arguing.

"K-9 knows my phone number and keeps sending me updated numbers of my past companions just in case. I think it's their doing, this way I have to keep in contact with people." the Doctor said crossly as if annoyed she'd asked, "and this does not constitute an emergency.

"Doctor, we're in a drunk tank and I am seeing two of everything, "Rory managed to articulate, "I think this counts."

"Gwen Cooper."

"Would kill me for waking her I think. Only met a few times. Not a companion. K-9 stuck her in there."

"How about Wilf?" Amy suggested as she found his name, "I liked him."

"No. We're not waking Wilf."

"Jack Harkness."

"NO! I don't trust him around me sober!" the Doctor said but his conviction was lacking do to the fact he kept nodding over as if he was about to fall asleep.

"To bad. He's the last one in here I recognize as human. I refuse to call Queen Elizabeth II."

Jack rarely slept, just a side effect of immortality, which meant he had no excuse at night to NOT do his paper work and whoever else's who had stuck theirs in with his, he had quite a bit built up especially with a new person working for him (besides Martha and Mickey) . Not that he was working on paper work, but if pressed he'd say he'd been up all night slaving over paper work that was over do and not playing Dungeon Siege and trying to get to the 10th level.

He nearly jumped out of his seat thinking he'd been caught when his phone went off.

The Doctor's number, interesting…

"Hello Doc."

"Not the Doctor." A weary and semi drunk sounding female voice came through.

"Well hello. Why do you have the Doctors phone."

"Hear for yourself."

He heard the phone move against something and the noise in the background multiply as two men drunkenly were singing loudly and off key "Henry the VIII I am."

"You got the Doctor drunk?" Jack asked in surprise, but didn't get her answer as the was a scuffling noise and then a male appeared on the phone.

"JACK! Hi Jack. I need a lift to the TARDIS. The cops think we're a public menace, but we're not! We just averted 3 alien disasters in one day. I can't be a menace! I—"

The phone was taken away and the female voice came back, "So, going to pick us up or no? I think if we stay any longer the guards are going to gag them."

Jack couldn't wipe the smile off his face if he tried, "I'll be right there. Give the phone to the guard, let him give me pick up details."

True to his word Jack was there within the hour ready to pay bail and mock the Doctor for the rest of his lives. He expected to find two badly dressed people in a cell rather drunk. Instead he found two people in tuxedos (one wearing a top hat), and a woman in a wedding dress.

"Have you been crashing weddings again Doc?" Jack asked in amusement.

"I didn't crash the wedding! I landed quite nicely on the dance floor." The man in the top hat said with a glare, "And don't call me Doc!"

"So this your first trip with him?" Jack asked as he signed the group out and forked over the cash.

"No, I've been with him a few months. Well, a few months or one day. It depends on your point of view." Amy told him as she tried to walk straight and not stumble too much, an effort put off a bit by the fact she was trying to help Rory walk too.

"How'd you lot manage to get the Doctor drunk? He's always said he can't get drunk unless he really wants to." Jack asked once he'd gotten them all safely in the car and on the way back to Torchwood.

"Not drunk." the Doctor mumbled sleepily.

"We're not drunk." Amy clarified.

"Certainly look and sound like it." Jack grinned.

"We were hit by aliem sp-spores that had an aver…adve…bad rea….it made our brains wonky." Rory managed after a few attempts.

"Ah. You'll have to tell me what alien species did that. Sounds interesting."

"You're not getting your whole team drunk." the Doctor scolded him.

"Nah, not the whole team." Jack agreed, "Mickey can stay sober."

The Doctor and Rory were both dead on their feet by time they made it into torchwood and just collapsed in Jack's office. Amy a bit more dignified managed to stay awake till she made it to the couch in Jack's office.

"Never thought I'd see the day." Jack whispered to himself, going to find his camera. After all he couldn't resist a photo of the Doctor and two companions clad in wedding gear passed out drunkenly on his couch.

Jack decided about 7 am to sneak out for a bit for some groceries reasoning that the Doctor would have one hell of a hangover as would the others and well did he really need a reason to go buy doughnuts?

He arrived back at the hub within 30 minutes of leaving, but when he got back they were gone.

"Anyone here?" Jack yelled.

"In here." Mickey yelled from the kitchen.

"Where'd they go?"

"Where'd who go?" Mickey asked in confusion.

"The Doctor! He was here with his companions and now he's not.

"Uh oh." Mickey put down the cinnamon roll he'd been about to microwave, "That's not good."

"How is it not good."

"Just…don't' use the appliances." Mickey said quickly.

"Oh is this about your exploding blender and Sarah Jane's singing toaster?" Jack laughed, "We don't have a toaster, or a blender!"

But as it seemed torchwood DID have a coffee maker and that apparently counted under the "Small appliances the Doctor will mess with" heading as they found out when Martha put on coffee and all it produced despite what the put in it was vile looking yellow goo that smelled quite strongly of bananas.


End file.
